Most of us weren't taught how to think about our bodies in one obvious lesson.
Instead, much of what we learn about bodies is implicit.
We notice which bodies are complimented and which become the subject of jokes. We hear comments about our own bodies, and we listen to how people around us talk about theirs. We see which bodies are represented in movies, advertising, social media, clothing stores, and fitness spaces, and which ones rarely appear at all.
We also learn what bodies are meant to do. We may absorb ideas about what it means to look healthy, feminine, masculine, attractive, young, strong, or capable.
Over time, some of those messages can become so familiar that they stop feeling like messages at all. They can start to feel like facts.
Body image doesn't develop in a vacuum
Body image is often talked about as though it's something that exists entirely within us: I like my body, I don't like my body, I feel confident, I feel self-conscious.
But none of us develops our understanding of bodies on our own.
Family can influence it. So can friends, partners, healthcare experiences, sport and fitness environments, advertising, entertainment, social media, cultural expectations, and our communities.
And the messages aren't always explicit.
Nobody has to tell a child, “You should be thinner,” for them to begin learning that thinness matters. They might notice adults celebrating weight loss, hear someone criticize their own stomach in the mirror, or watch a family member avoid photographs. They may notice that comments about gaining weight are usually made with concern, while comments about losing it are often made with approval.
We can learn which characteristics matter through praise as well as criticism. A child who is repeatedly told how thin they are may learn that thinness is something other people notice and value. Someone who is frequently complimented for looking young may begin to experience signs of aging differently later. Even comments intended entirely as kindness can help shape what we learn is important about our bodies.
This doesn't mean that complimenting someone's appearance is inherently harmful. It means that what gets noticed, praised, criticized, joked about, or repeatedly discussed can all contribute to what we learn to notice about ourselves.
When messages become rules
Encountering a message about bodies doesn't mean we will automatically believe it. But some messages are repeated often enough, or arrive in circumstances that make them particularly meaningful, that we begin to internalize them.
Broader messages can gradually become rules we apply to ourselves:
Thin bodies are more attractive.
→ My body should be thin.
Looking younger is better.
→ I shouldn't look my age.
Strong people should be able to handle things themselves.
→ My body should be able to do this.
At that point, a standard we encountered somewhere outside ourselves has become a rule we apply to ourselves.
And once a rule has been around long enough, we may stop recognizing it as a rule.
It’s just true.
Being affected by these messages doesn't mean we embrace them. We can recognize these messages for what they are and still be affected by them. And two people can encounter very similar messages without developing the same beliefs about their bodies.
The more useful question may be:
Which messages became meaningful enough that I started carrying them as my own?
Body image is about more than appearance
When we hear “body image,” appearance is often the first thing that comes to mind.
Weight. Shape. Skin. Hair. Height. Muscularity. Signs of aging.
Our relationships with our bodies can also involve what our bodies are able to do, how they feel, how they change, and how other people respond to them.
Our bodies also change throughout our lives, sometimes in ways we expect and sometimes in ways we don't. They may look different, feel different, need different things, do things differently, or be unable to do things they once did. Those changes can affect how we experience our bodies, too.
Sometimes the rule isn't:
I should look different.
It's:
My body shouldn't need this.
I should be able to do what I used to do.
I shouldn't be tired.
I should be able to keep up.
My body should still be the way it was.
Body positivity messages often encourage us to appreciate our bodies for what they can do. While some people may find this helpful, for others, focusing on what their bodies can do becomes another expectation their body is supposed to meet.
Changing the standard doesn't remove the pressure to meet one.
There isn’t one “right” way to feel about your body.
When the goalposts keep moving
The standards we learn about bodies aren't always consistent. Sometimes they even contradict each other.
Someone might be told they're too thin at one point in their life and criticized for gaining weight later. We may receive messages that we should look youthful but also “age gracefully,” be fit but not obsessive, be attractive but not appear to be trying too hard, or accept our bodies while continuing to hear about all the ways they could be improved.
When the standard keeps changing, it can be easy to conclude that the problem is our failure to get our bodies “right.” But there may never have been one clear version of “right” to begin with.
Sometimes our bodies aren't failing to meet the standard. The standard is failing to provide a realistic place to stand.
Whose rule is this?
One way to start questioning beliefs about our bodies is to get curious about where they came from.
Think of one thing you've learned your body is supposed to be, look like, or do.
It might be:
My stomach should be flatter.
I shouldn't have wrinkles.
I should be stronger.
I shouldn't need help.
Or something completely different.
Ask yourself:
Where did I learn this?
There may not be one answer. Sometimes a belief doesn't come from a single memorable comment or experience. It develops through many small moments that communicate a similar message over time.
Whose standard is it?
Is this something you value yourself, or a standard you've learned from the people, communities, or messages around you?
When did I start believing it mattered?
You might be able to pinpoint a particular moment or experience, or it may have become important gradually over time.
What has reinforced this message?
Criticism can strongly reinforce what we learn about our bodies. But compliments, comparisons, jokes, images, expectations, and repeated experiences also shape what we notice or value about them.
Do I actually agree with it?
Not: Do I still feel its influence?
Not: Can I immediately stop caring about it?
Just: Do I agree?
You can disagree with a standard and still feel its pull.
Have I encountered anything that challenges this belief?
Maybe you've encountered people or spaces where bodies are understood differently, or experiences that have made you question some of the standards you learned.
What might I want to believe instead?
Questioning a belief doesn't mean you have to replace it with its most positive possible opposite.
If you've spent years thinking, I hate how my body looks, the next step doesn't have to be: I love every part of my body.
Maybe it’s:
I don't think my appearance determines my worth.
Getting older isn't something I need to apologize for.
Needing help doesn't make my body a failure.
My body has changed, and I'm still figuring out how I feel about that.
It might even be:
I'm not sure I believe this rule anymore.
That counts.
There is a lot of room between criticizing your body and loving everything about it. You don't have to perform confidence, gratitude, or body positivity to begin questioning whether the standards you've been carrying still make sense for you.
Understanding isn't the same as undoing
Recognizing where a belief came from doesn't mean it will immediately stop affecting you.
A belief can continue to show up in your thoughts, emotions, choices, or behaviour even after you've begun questioning it.
You might reject many of the standards you've learned about bodies and still find yourself judging your own by them. Sometimes it's easier to question a standard when it applies to someone else than when we're looking at ourselves.
Those things can coexist.
Understanding that a belief was learned doesn't erase the experiences that reinforced it.
But it can create a little more room between:
This is true, and
This is something I learned to believe.
And in that space:
Is this something I still want to carry?
If body image is something you'd like to explore in therapy, learning to love your body doesn't have to be the goal. Getting curious about the relationship you already have with it can be a place to start.
Healing begins with connection.